As I find myself overwhelmed by yet another hotel breakfast buffet with a myriad of mismatching options I’d thought I’d best get myself some sort of strategy. Here are my definitely not tried-and-tested tips for working the hotel breakfast buffet like a boss.
Do a lap. Do not pick up a single thing until you have walked the whole room and decided what you shall eat like a normal rational person. Anyone who puts something on their plate during the first lap is kicked out.
Scout out the egg man and put an order in for an omelette before everyone else cotton’s on about what the man in the hat is there for.
Step away from the instant coffee machine. Coffee from a machine is never good. Fact. Unless the free coffee is of the barista variety do yourself a favour and order a cuppa tea instead.
Pilfer the cereal milk. You’ll need milk to accompany said tea and for some reason 9 out of 10 hotels will not have put any near the tea/coffee station. Head to the cereal section and pour yourself a cup from here instead.
Do not make eye contact with another diner’s plate. This is not a place for judgement. Who are you to judge the man who combines waffles with beans, nutella, salad and chicken sausages*. (* Why these are even a thing I do not know.)
Pop any bread/croissant/cake that you can in the toaster as they’re bound to be stale from lying out for hours. If any of the above catch fire stroll away nonchalantly and pretend it was someone else.
Likewise, if you forget you put said bread in the toaster because they bought out fresh pancakes and then you no longer wanted it anyway, stroll away nonchalantly and pretend it was someone else.
Do not be embarrassed that there are 20 plates on your table because you picked up a fresh one each one you approached the buffet. This is the only place in the world where that kind of behaviour is acceptable.
Do eat 1 slice of pineapple at the end of your 70-course meal for a ‘balanced’ diet.